When I grow up...
...I am gonna be confused.
No one ever told me that was the real answer. When asked that question throughout childhood I would cock my head skyward, think hard for a moment, then blurt out whatever sounded cool at the time. Fireman, astronaut, the President, a writer, rich and famous. Every answer elicited the same response. A nod of the head, a smile and a few words of encouragement.
Today I know why everybody bigger than me always said the same things. They all knew where I was headed.
I find myself, at 25, understanding only this. I am an idiot. Inept with women, filled with mostly useless knowledge from my undergrad, financially incompetent and spiritually adolescent; I feel utterly unoccupied to deal with life. It often seems that I don't know anything I am supposed to know to get by.
The thought occurs to me, though, that I don't know what wisdom would make me any better at living life. To be sure there are always things to pick up along the way, but I don't know anyone who really has it figured out. This of course is not news.
Everyone knows that nobody knows anything. The problem is, we all live like everybody knows everything. Polished and professional, productive and packaged, we slide through life affecting an air of accomplished prowess. The question is, why?
Is it to be held in high esteem by our peers? Often. Is it to feel that we have somehow measured up to a standard in life? Likely. For my money there is a deeper reason. Control.
More than perhaps any other concept I have come across thus far in life, humans, and Americans in particular abhor the feeling of being out of control.
And why shouldn't we fear it? To understand that you are not fundamentally in control of your life is to come to terms with the reality that there is something bigger and badder than you out there and He, they or it, might be calling the shots.
In my walk of faith I find this repellent desire to control life ruining everything. Why do I gravitate towards organized religion, toward planned services and defined roles of leadership? Why do I want a theology (and therefore a God) that can be quantified and understood in three easy steps? Control.
I desire to please God through a simple ordered system of activities because then I know I have done my time, put in my hours, paid for my ticket to the great chili parlor in the sky. It is about control to keep Him out of the rest of my life.
There is no more offensive notion to the divine relationship I claim to strive for than this control. I would never dream of a relationship with a woman where control is my primary motivation. That would be the ultimate expression of unhealthy, insecure behavior. Despite this realization, I fight and struggle with every fiber of my being against losing control into the arms of Christ. That is my ultimate hypocrisy; to proclaim His truth and live as though He were nothing but a story.
So what is the point of all this? Maybe that what will get me through life, what will help me conquer or at least survive my failings and insecurities, what will finally give me the peace and security I seek is not more knowledge at all. It is truly understanding something I already claim to know; that I am not, never have been and never will be in control. Maybe Where I am going isn't always my choice. Maybe what happens to me isn't always because of my inaptitude or prowess.
Maybe confused is really what I am supposed to be after all.
No one ever told me that was the real answer. When asked that question throughout childhood I would cock my head skyward, think hard for a moment, then blurt out whatever sounded cool at the time. Fireman, astronaut, the President, a writer, rich and famous. Every answer elicited the same response. A nod of the head, a smile and a few words of encouragement.
Today I know why everybody bigger than me always said the same things. They all knew where I was headed.
I find myself, at 25, understanding only this. I am an idiot. Inept with women, filled with mostly useless knowledge from my undergrad, financially incompetent and spiritually adolescent; I feel utterly unoccupied to deal with life. It often seems that I don't know anything I am supposed to know to get by.
The thought occurs to me, though, that I don't know what wisdom would make me any better at living life. To be sure there are always things to pick up along the way, but I don't know anyone who really has it figured out. This of course is not news.
Everyone knows that nobody knows anything. The problem is, we all live like everybody knows everything. Polished and professional, productive and packaged, we slide through life affecting an air of accomplished prowess. The question is, why?
Is it to be held in high esteem by our peers? Often. Is it to feel that we have somehow measured up to a standard in life? Likely. For my money there is a deeper reason. Control.
More than perhaps any other concept I have come across thus far in life, humans, and Americans in particular abhor the feeling of being out of control.
And why shouldn't we fear it? To understand that you are not fundamentally in control of your life is to come to terms with the reality that there is something bigger and badder than you out there and He, they or it, might be calling the shots.
In my walk of faith I find this repellent desire to control life ruining everything. Why do I gravitate towards organized religion, toward planned services and defined roles of leadership? Why do I want a theology (and therefore a God) that can be quantified and understood in three easy steps? Control.
I desire to please God through a simple ordered system of activities because then I know I have done my time, put in my hours, paid for my ticket to the great chili parlor in the sky. It is about control to keep Him out of the rest of my life.
There is no more offensive notion to the divine relationship I claim to strive for than this control. I would never dream of a relationship with a woman where control is my primary motivation. That would be the ultimate expression of unhealthy, insecure behavior. Despite this realization, I fight and struggle with every fiber of my being against losing control into the arms of Christ. That is my ultimate hypocrisy; to proclaim His truth and live as though He were nothing but a story.
So what is the point of all this? Maybe that what will get me through life, what will help me conquer or at least survive my failings and insecurities, what will finally give me the peace and security I seek is not more knowledge at all. It is truly understanding something I already claim to know; that I am not, never have been and never will be in control. Maybe Where I am going isn't always my choice. Maybe what happens to me isn't always because of my inaptitude or prowess.
Maybe confused is really what I am supposed to be after all.
posted by Jason Fleming at 1:28 PM
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