Broken Books
In Christian circles (made mostly of squares) there is a lot of talk about brokenness. The word is aproached with either breathless anticipation or particular dread.
Until recently, I had spent my life in the latter camp. Living an idyllic life provided me the narrow perspecive that said pain was to be avoided at all costs. A clammy, churning dread would start to writhe in me when I heard people sing about brokenness or preach on its virtues.
August of 2004 provided me with an univited horror that moved me firmly from the side of those saying 'what if?' and put me in the crowd saying 'what now?' (the details of that incident need not be related here)
Now, a little over a year and a half later, I feel as though my head is beginning to clear. Like closing your eyes and looking into the sun, it has taken some time for the color to come back into my world. As I have begun to sort the lessons and find my bearings in a world that ought to feel familiar, there are a few new realizations I have come to possess.
Not surprisingly, thoughts about brokenness are among them. The feeling in my gut could never have hinted at how excruciating the Lord's forming hand could be. I could not have expected that the 'brokenness' so blithely sung about would be the spiritual breaking of my spine.
It is not like the breaking of my physical spine, though. This lesson of the Lord has not left me crippled and useless. It is like breaking the spine of a book.
We have all seen such a volume, the wonderful smelling old sort of book that you have to pick up gingerly to keep the pages in. When you open it, it will always flop submissivly to the same page, revealing the gap in its spine with a few threads still hanging on in the breech. One wonders who loved that part of the story so much to press it open past the pages' will.
This is the sort of breaking I have seen. It was as though the pages of my life were spilled out, and I had no capacity to put them back together again. I cannot always choose what people will see when they look inside now. The stories on the pages at the breaking point have been told more often than I would like. It is as though Someone inexplicably desires that horrific part of the story to be read over and over.
Now I need a cover to hold me together. Everything is there inside me, but what holds me together is from the outside, not the center. This is how I have come to praise the Lord through this time. I have found that the nature of his breaking is, as promised, not to cripple, but to highlight.
I doubt I will ever understand why He makes and takes life as He does. He may not restore all that He breaks here in this world, but He will hold them together if you ask. That, for me, is enough.
Until recently, I had spent my life in the latter camp. Living an idyllic life provided me the narrow perspecive that said pain was to be avoided at all costs. A clammy, churning dread would start to writhe in me when I heard people sing about brokenness or preach on its virtues.
August of 2004 provided me with an univited horror that moved me firmly from the side of those saying 'what if?' and put me in the crowd saying 'what now?' (the details of that incident need not be related here)
Now, a little over a year and a half later, I feel as though my head is beginning to clear. Like closing your eyes and looking into the sun, it has taken some time for the color to come back into my world. As I have begun to sort the lessons and find my bearings in a world that ought to feel familiar, there are a few new realizations I have come to possess.
Not surprisingly, thoughts about brokenness are among them. The feeling in my gut could never have hinted at how excruciating the Lord's forming hand could be. I could not have expected that the 'brokenness' so blithely sung about would be the spiritual breaking of my spine.
It is not like the breaking of my physical spine, though. This lesson of the Lord has not left me crippled and useless. It is like breaking the spine of a book.
We have all seen such a volume, the wonderful smelling old sort of book that you have to pick up gingerly to keep the pages in. When you open it, it will always flop submissivly to the same page, revealing the gap in its spine with a few threads still hanging on in the breech. One wonders who loved that part of the story so much to press it open past the pages' will.
This is the sort of breaking I have seen. It was as though the pages of my life were spilled out, and I had no capacity to put them back together again. I cannot always choose what people will see when they look inside now. The stories on the pages at the breaking point have been told more often than I would like. It is as though Someone inexplicably desires that horrific part of the story to be read over and over.
Now I need a cover to hold me together. Everything is there inside me, but what holds me together is from the outside, not the center. This is how I have come to praise the Lord through this time. I have found that the nature of his breaking is, as promised, not to cripple, but to highlight.
I doubt I will ever understand why He makes and takes life as He does. He may not restore all that He breaks here in this world, but He will hold them together if you ask. That, for me, is enough.
posted by Jason Fleming at 6:14 PM
3 Comments:
Amazing analogy. Jason, It's awesome to see how God has highlighted you.
Funny, I wrote about the cracking of a cover in my blog too:
http://carjoson.blogspot.com/2006/03/she-is-difficult-to-read.html
It's a bit more abstract, not as well fleshed-out as yours.
You sure have a talent for writing--makes me want to read more. Keep on keepin on.
Jason, that was one of the most beautiful things I have EVER read...and there's a tear on my laptop to prove it. Exquisite.
JASON! Well, what do you say in response to a post like that? No, in response to reality like that? It strikes me that such a reality is what Paul was talking about when he said that God works all things for good. Well put, my friend, and thank you for the willingness to fall open one more time to that page and let us read.
By the way, I have something for you to listen to if you have time, that's somewhat on the subject. Email me if you'd like to hear it, I'll give you the link, it'll be great. Aight, I'm done now, I'll probably go email you so that I can ramble for hours on end without boring everyone on the internet, just you. Something to look forward to! Peace.
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